Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning.
Sometimes I stare at my computer for a full hour, unable to compose even one stupid, worthwhile sentence.
Sometimes I am so overwhelmed by everything I have to do that my only option is immobility.
And then I get really pissed off about it and I make a to-do list that includes everything I need to do.
And everything I’ve already done. Just so I can cross SOMETHING off the list.
That is called pretending you are productive, my friends, PRETENDING. With a big, fat “P”.
Sometimes I wake up so ready for the day, positive I will tackle 27 tasks.
And go to bed that night having accomplished two.
Wondering how I managed to fail so miserably.
Sometimes, I love my kids so much, it actually hurts. They are edible. I want to curl up next to them, burrow into their little necks and be surrounded by everything that is perfect and good.
And sometimes I’m so frustrated with them, it ALSO hurts.
I blame myself for their flaws, but do not take nearly enough credit for all that is good and fabulous and joyful about them.
I have trouble saying ‘no’ and the words, ‘I’m sorry’ have become a ridiculous crutch punctuating my speech.
And I can’t figure out how everyone else seems to have it all together.
And by everyone, I mean you.
The kids. The work. The family. And you have a life. You read? You watch TV? You have hobbies?
Yes…… I know. You really don’t feel like you have it together either. But it looks like you do. And when I get sucked into Facebook in my darkest hour…. it reads like you do.
This is how last week went for me:
Monday? Terrible. Barely managed to knock anything off my list.
Tuesday? Brilliant. On top of my game. Nailed a speech and MY BOOK ARRIVED. Banner day.
Wednesday? So-so. Stressed. Morning = ok. But in the afternoon, I was simply so exhausted, I took a nap.
Thursday and Friday included tears of some kind, but blah, blah, blah…..
A NAP? How absurdly lazy of me. Tears? PULL.IT.TOGETHER.WOULD.YOU.ALREADY?
But a friend said something to me tonight that helped me to understand where I have been….. I’m physically and emotionally bankrupt.
And it is ok.
These next few sentences are as honest as the first.
I have been trying to write this post for a long time. I know it doesn’t look like much, but I typically do my best to be a glass-is-half-full-tell-me-your-good-news kind of girl. So, the fact that I’m sharing this bankruptcy with you makes me want to hyperventilate
a lot a little. But there really is no sugarcoating the fact that sometimes, a good cry and a nap are just what you need. Sometimes you just need to be honest with yourself.
Because it is extremely lonely when you feel as though you missed the meeting where they passed out the keys to life balance.
The good news is….. I didn’t miss the meeting.
Because they didn’t have one.
Starting a business, running a business and raising a family take a lot of work. You don’t need me to tell you that.
I took a small step forward tonight.
I wrote a post.