A Daughter, A Son, and we’re all set.

So, this past week, I visited my local Urological office for a consult on getting a Vasectomy. This is where this latest Daddy Diary turns into a Seinfeld moment. Oh, you’ve had these too. We all have had our own Seinfeld moments, where a “should be normal” task or event turns into a 30 minute made for TV comedy. Set the DVR.

Scene 1 – Jeff (writer will draft in 3^rd person at times, then switch to 1^st person for funny moments when necessary) enters Urology Office at 9am. Jeff finds out from receptionist that Ann Bessinger will be conducting consult.

Jeff: “Is Ann a (gulp) woman?

Receptionist: “Um, yes, Mr. Smith, is there a problem with that?”

Oh, come on!  A Woman is going to do this?!  This is not good.  I don’t know how to write this except to say that every man reading this does not want a woman to be doing a consult on his, ahem, you know, man parts.  Sweat starts to bead on my forehead, stomach starts to churn, knees begin to tremble, and I respond with…

Jeff: “No!”

Receptionist: “No, you don’t want to see her?”

Jeff: “Yes!”

Recptionist: “Yes, you have a problem.”

Jeff: “No, I don’t have a problem. Yes, I want to see her. Well, I don’t want to see her. I just, well you know. I’m married.”

Recptionist: “Okay (shaking her head), so you want to see her, but you want her to know you’re married?”

Jeff: “No, I’m fine. I’m ready. Do not tell her that I’m nervous.”

Receptionist escorts (not escorts, but ushers) Jeff to his room; the consult room which is not really his room. Okay, anyway, he’s in a room.

Scene 2 – She walks in.  Jeff takes a deep breath and wishes this was over.

Nurse: “Have you ever done this before?”

Jeff: “People come back twice? I thought this was a one-and-done. I have to do this again? Oh, wonderful.

Nurse: “No, I mean, have you ever had a consult about getting a Vasectomy before? Have you ever discussed this before?”

Jeff: “No. First time. I’m a Vasectomy Virgin. Hahaha…get it? Sorry, I’m nervous.”

Nurse: “Don’t be nervous. 95% of this is all me asking questions and letting you know what to expect.”

Jeff: “And the other 5%?”

Nurse: “Well, I have to check you out”

Jeff (thinking to himself):  Good God, please let this end quickly.

Nurse: “On the day of the procedure, you’ll need to bring a scrotum protector.”

Jeff: “What?”

Nurse: “A scrotum protector”

Jeff: “A jockstrap?”

Nurse: “Well kind of, just not with the cup. Come to think of it, you have a 4year old son. You may want to wear the cup as well.”

Jeff: “You’re not joking, are you?”

Nurse: “Nope.”

Jeff: “So, how long do I wear the jockstrap?”

Nurse: “A few days.”

Jeff: “Have you ever worn a jockstrap? They’re not that comfortable.”

Nurse: “Mr. Smith, you’re getting a Vasectomy. This is not going to be comfortable.”

Jeff: “How soon after the procedure can I drink alcohol? I’m just kidding. Fine, I’ll bring a, what did you call it? A scrotum protector? This is incredible.”

Nurse: “Which doctor would you like to use?”

Jeff: “Whichever one does this with the least amount of pain to me. Oh, and is a man. No offense.”

Nurse: “None taken. Well, we have 2 docs that do it with IV anesthetic and 2 that do not.”

Jeff: “Holy Crap! Sorry! Okay, you mean to tell me there are doctors that don’t use anesthetic on a patient that is getting his penis cut into?”

Nurse: “Mr. Smith, first, we’re not cutting the penis. Second, some patients just don’t want the side effects of anesthesia.”

Jeff: “Yah, they’d rather feel someone sawing on them. Sounds like a blast. Let’s go with the male doctor that is going to put me under.”

Nurse: “He’s not going to put you under. He’s just going to give you something to take the edge off. You don’t need to go all the way under.”

Jeff: “I do. I’m a wimp.”

Nurse: “So, anyway. We’ll put with you Dr Shnip.”

Jeff: “Seriously, his name is Shnip?”

Nurse: “Now, what’s the problem?”

Jeff: “Think about that for a moment. No other patient has questioned a Surgical Urologist with the name Shnip?”

Nurse (growing agitated now): “No, no one has, and I don’t understand why you would.”

Jeff: “Forget it. What’s next?”

Nurse: “The non verbal part of the consult. Pull your pants down.”

I stand up, but this is also interesting.  She didn’t say to pull my pants and boxers/briefs down.  She just said to pull my pants down, and I don’t want to over commit.  So, I stand up, back to the wall.  She’s in a rolling chair staring straight ahead, and I pull my pants down.  Insert awkward silence.

Nurse: “Mr. Smith, you have to pull your boxers down too.”

Jeff: “You didn’t say that.”

Nurse: “Please, pull your pants down.”

Temperature is much cooler in the room now.

Nurse: “So, what I’m feeling for now … is….”

Jeff: “Just an FYI, I really don’t need the play by play. Just do what you need to do, and I’ll pull my pants…and…boxers back up.”

Nurse: “Well, I just want you to know that I’m searching for a spaghetti type string inside your scrotum.”

Jeff: “Psst. I’d like to refer you back to my prior statement. No audio needed.”

I’ll never eat spaghetti again now.  I really liked spaghetti.

Nurse: “Okay, all done. Pull up your pants…and…boxers. So, when would you like to do the procedure?”

Jeff: “Never.”

Nurse: “Mr. Smith?”

Jeff: “I mean, Thanksgiving week looks good for me.”

Nurse: “It’s July. That’s 4 months away.”

Jeff: “Yep, I’ll be thankful that it’s over. There are discounts on Scrotum Protectors on Black Friday. I’ll watch a lot of football, and get 4 days of pity from my wife and kids. Done. I’ll take the Tuesday or Wednesday before Thanksgiving please.”

Nurse: “Um, okay, we don’t usually book that far out, but okay.”

Jeff: “Thank you much. See you in about 4 months. Enjoy your summer.”

To be continued …