Faith

July 31, 2009 By 11 Comments

It is such a tiny word.

Five little letters.

But such an enormous impact.  Do you have faith? Do you struggle with faith?

I keep asking myself these questions.  Where does faith fit into my life?  I have been surrounded by religion since birth.  I’ve always believed in God. 

But, while it is next to impossible to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, I’m fairly certain Jenn and Chris Hawn could run faith rings around me.

jenchrisryan3They buried their six month old son today.  They stood at his tiny casket and greeted friends and family one by one.  They cried together, they hugged, they accepted condolences.  As I touched them, I found myself tilting my head, looking for the faith dust that must surely be sprinkled on their shoulders.  They were smiling slightly through suffering. They were talking about the moment Ryan passed late Monday night – in their arms, in their bed. They are sure Ryan smoothly took Jesus’ hand and with the most amazing vision, left one life for another.

I am in awe.  Strong faith appears to bring clarity and personal healing in a way I can hardly fathom.  I am envious of a trait I am certain I do not possess.

Again, I believe in God.  I pray daily.  We talk about religion. My kids sing songs about Jesus and God with the most pure voices. It often moves me to tears. I see God in them.

But somehow I don’t think you truly know where you stand on faith – on true, honest, I-feel-God-in-my-soul faith until you experience something that makes you question.  It is at that moment that you decide: Can my faith carry me through this?  Do I believe enough?

I imagine Jenn and Chris ‘questioned’ when they found out Ryan had Spinal Muscular Atrophy.  I imagine they ‘questioned’ when they understood they would have less than a year to absorb his existence.  But I believe they got the answer they needed on Monday.

And that answer, that faith, is what gave them the iron clad strength to wrap a blanket around Ryan today, looking for all the world like he had just gone to sleep, to say goodbye, and to believe in their hearts he is in a better place and they will see him again.

(If these had not been sentiments they actually expressed to me, I would never presume to say them. I think I am too selfish to be capable of wrapping my brain and heart around this level of faith – hence I am amazed by them.)

As they both leaned in and kissed Ryan goodbye, a silent roar filled my ears. As they closed the casket, a two ton elephant took up residence on my chest, pressing all the air from my lungs. As Jenn lay for a moment across the casket, I closed my eyes and silently willed her the faith she needed to stand up again. And she did it.

Tucked neatly beside their little boy, a small piece of their souls will keep him warm and loved until they can see him again.

I most certainly have faith in that.

(A final note – please stop by Jenn’s site to sign the petition on the right hand side – your signature will help to battle SMA – the disease that took Ryan away from his family. Thank you for caring.)

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Smiling on the outside

January 26, 2009 By 6 Comments

So…for the past week, I have found myself wondering, “Just how much can one person take?”

I have a friend.  She has 4 children.  In the Fall, her youngest was diagnosed with Leukemia.

That information alone would have been enough to make me crumble.  But not my friend.  She has continued to send daily updates via the internet….and, without fail, they ALWAYS include the postive: how well her son is doing, or, if he isn’t doing well – that the doctors expect him to improve soon, that the other kids are handling the illness well, that they have asked Santa for their little brother to feel better, or, very often, just how grateful she is for the support they have received from family and friends.

But, it was with the heaviest of hearts that I learned this week that her relationship with her husband has disintegrated.  And sadly, that it has been a long time coming.  I will refrain from sharing details to respect her privacy….but I will say, it is clear this is a move she needed to make.

I can’t begin to put myself in her shoes, so I don’t know how I would react to all of this, but I would like to think I would have one quarter of her strength and faith, one half of the sunshine she is passing out to others and one half of the tenderness and mothering she is showing to all of her children.

Please know, friend, that I respect you, I care for you, I am here for you, I am proud of you and I am amazed by you.

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How strong is your faith?

May 13, 2008 By 3 Comments

I’m in awe of people who are able to rely COMPLTELY on their faith in times of tragedy and personal crisis.

I’m amazed that, through what must be a very deep pain, one can see a shining light and focus on the good.

Take Heather at Mom4Life as an example.  This is a woman who’s level of faith, strength and composure absolutely robs me of breath.  One week ago, Heather learned that the baby (Sawyer) she was expecting in only 3 weeks, no longer had a beating heart.  In the past 7 days…she has gone from an excited expectant mother to a mother preparing for a funeral.  Late last week, she labored and gave birth to baby Sawyer.  Through it all, she has continued to look for the rainbows through the rain, she has focused on the plan she is certain God has in place and has taken the love and support from friends and strangers (like me) to heart.

It appears to me that her journaling is helping….but it is tremendous to me that she can sound so composed, that she can speak so eloquently and that she is managing to focus on the beauty in her life.

I admire Heather and the many people like her, who are capable of putting their hurt in God’s hands.  I am humbled by the faith they exhibit and the trust they live. 

I am confident there will be loss and pain in my life….I can only hope to be as grounded in faith, as strong, as sure, as Heather is.   Many more prayers are coming your way, Heather.

www.ExtraordinaryMommy.com

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