It was moments after we finished saying bedtime prayers. She made solid eye contact with me. She held my gaze without looking away. As she did, her eyes slowly filled. Tears. First filling and then covering the deep brown that I know to be the itty bitty windows to her soul. The tears were wiping those windows clear for me to see. She was sad. So sad. Her little lip trembeled as she found the words she just HAD to say, “Mommy…. I just LOVE YOU. SO much.”
In no time, my eyes filled to mirror hers. We had just spent the most amazing day together, but this newest level of Mommy-Daughter… the one that had us laughing and giggling as we moved from shopping to nail painting to hair cutting… it only served to highlight what she and I both know to be true: I can’t be there in front of her every single second. What she fears the most in her seven year old heart: that I will travel – will happen again. And soon.
Within 48 hours of our tear-filled eye lock, I would be getting on a plane. For only two short days. But to my sweet girl, any separation at this point feels like weeks. And I know it. And I own it. We hugged. And snuggled. By the time I left her room, we were giggling again.
For the last months, I have been home. I have made every effort to be present, to create beautiful memories that will allow her to remain strong while I am gone.
But the truth is, I feel as though I have failed her. I was gone too much last year. I can’t give you an exact count of the number of trips taken or days traveled – but that is partially because I am unwilling to count. Between a nearly 6 week book tour, hardly a conference skipped and a handful of other work trips, it was simply too much.
And I vow to my sweet girl, and to my sweet boy who is, as of yet – still oblivious to my parting – that each time I leave our home this year, it will be beacuse it is important, truly important. And I will sit down with them each time – and I will look them in the eyes and I will explain where I am going, what I am doing and why it makes our family better and stronger. I won’t travel because I ‘might miss something’. I will stay HOME because I might miss something. I will travel every time I need to, but I will always make sure it is worth it.
I promise.
Because you, baby girl… you got up in the middle of the night last night… sometime between midnight and 3:30am – as that was the only time I was asleep…. you tip-toed downstairs and you left me this note. You wanted me to know that it was ok that I was going to be gone, that you would miss me and you love me.
You are trying to show me you are stronger. We can be stronger together. Because baby? When I ask you what you want to be when you grow up? I’m not asking what you want to be UNTIL you have a family. I’m hoping to show you by example that I can be both the mommy you need and a woman who follows her loves and passions.
I hope to be the example you need.
I love you.
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