Faith
It is such a tiny word.
Five little letters.
But such an enormous impact. Do you have faith? Do you struggle with faith?
I keep asking myself these questions. Where does faith fit into my life? I have been surrounded by religion since birth. I’ve always believed in God.
But, while it is next to impossible to put yourself in someone else’s shoes, I’m fairly certain Jenn and Chris Hawn could run faith rings around me.
They buried their six month old son today. They stood at his tiny casket and greeted friends and family one by one. They cried together, they hugged, they accepted condolences. As I touched them, I found myself tilting my head, looking for the faith dust that must surely be sprinkled on their shoulders. They were smiling slightly through suffering. They were talking about the moment Ryan passed late Monday night - in their arms, in their bed. They are sure Ryan smoothly took Jesus’ hand and with the most amazing vision, left one life for another.
I am in awe. Strong faith appears to bring clarity and personal healing in a way I can hardly fathom. I am envious of a trait I am certain I do not possess.
Again, I believe in God. I pray daily. We talk about religion. My kids sing songs about Jesus and God with the most pure voices. It often moves me to tears. I see God in them.
But somehow I don’t think you truly know where you stand on faith - on true, honest, I-feel-God-in-my-soul faith until you experience something that makes you question. It is at that moment that you decide: Can my faith carry me through this? Do I believe enough?
I imagine Jenn and Chris ‘questioned’ when they found out Ryan had Spinal Muscular Atrophy. I imagine they ‘questioned’ when they understood they would have less than a year to absorb his existence. But I believe they got the answer they needed on Monday.
And that answer, that faith, is what gave them the iron clad strength to wrap a blanket around Ryan today, looking for all the world like he had just gone to sleep, to say goodbye, and to believe in their hearts he is in a better place and they will see him again.
(If these had not been sentiments they actually expressed to me, I would never presume to say them. I think I am too selfish to be capable of wrapping my brain and heart around this level of faith - hence I am amazed by them.)
As they both leaned in and kissed Ryan goodbye, a silent roar filled my ears. As they closed the casket, a two ton elephant took up residence on my chest, pressing all the air from my lungs. As Jenn lay for a moment across the casket, I closed my eyes and silently willed her the faith she needed to stand up again. And she did it.
Tucked neatly beside their little boy, a small piece of their souls will keep him warm and loved until they can see him again.
I most certainly have faith in that.
(A final note - please stop by Jenn’s site to sign the petition on the right hand side - your signature will help to battle SMA - the disease that took Ryan away from his family. Thank you for caring.)
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I’ve shared this same experience with some friends of mine. I am certain FAITH is all that got them through those days and even still 2 years later the days now.
They are amazing people and parents. I hope they know that my heart is with them.
Faith isn’t so simple as to not be questioned. It’s in the moments of doubt that we become stronger in what we believe. If we claim to have unwavering faith, we are probably not being completely honest. I doubt that these parents would ever tell any of us of their moments of darkness. They are being the Bible to us all… showing us God’s love and mercy through their actions and response. Faith is the outward response. In our faith, God carries us. Same as in our doubt.
I love your for questioning it all, Danielle. You are a beautiful human.
WOW. I can’t even speak. Today was overwhelming. They are beautiful people and I ache deeply for them. Thank you for writing this, you put the words together beautifully. Ryan is and always will be the perfect angel in heaven watching over his lovely family and everyone who surrounds them.
I can’t watch the moment the casket closes - It makes me claustrophobic. I left the church when it was time for Dad’s to close.
Danielle, Thank you for writing so eloquently and perfectly about today. My heart aches, aches, aches. To see them go through saying goodbye to Ryan is something I will never forget.
You have really honored them with your respectful and beautiful words. Although we are all awestruck at their strength and faith, I think they must also have their moments where they just want to kick and scream and have Ryan here with them. I hate how their arms must ache for him.
I am older than this couple and still struggle with questions about faith as well. I believe in God with my every breath, and have complete faith though, that our prayers for the Hawns are heard and honored. By your writing and involvement, you have brought more people to God just in praying for the Hawns. And in that, you sprinkled faith!
This was a tear jerker. I cannot imagine the pain of losing a child. I am so sorry. What a testimony, though, of the faith of this family. Through their pain, that they have drawn on their faith to carry them through.
I so appreciate your honesty about your own faith. I know many of us have come to that place in our lives where we question God and why He can allow tragic things to happen.
Life is full of uncertainty and one thing that I do know is that God’s love has carried so may people through it. It is such an inspiration to see the light and gleam in someone’s eyes who is suffering from tragedy, but yet they have this unbelievable strength that can only come from God.
I will continue to pray that God will wrap His loving arms around the Hawn family as they grieve. God bless them in abundance.
DAWN
This post has me in awe - both in your ability to express what’s on your heart and in the strength of your friends thru their grief.
I don’t think any of us truly knows how we will handle such heartache until we’re asked to walk that road, but I can tell you the one thing of which I am certain. The faith you see in your friends comes only from God himself. None of us have it within ourselves in our own strength.
“Ask and you shall receive” is one of the most taken out of context verses in the whole Bible. But this is exactly what it’s speaking of - if we pray for faith, we will surely receive it. I believe that He gives it to us as we need it and just as much as we need. I’ve seen it evidenced in the lives of believers around me and on a small scale in my own life.
Like you, I can’t imagine having the strength you see demonstrated in your friend, but I have confidence in my heavenly Father that if/when I need it, He will provide.
Sorry for the book, but this is something that I’ve learned recently and it has given me peace and assuaged my doubts. I hope that it does the same for you.
You are an incredible writer. Thank you for sharing so openly.
I was going to try and capture my thoughts in a comment, but then I read Sugar’s and think she said it perfectly. Faith is not not questioning. To me, it is believing despite my questions. Beautiful post.
Danielle,
I appreciate your honesty. None of us could imagine who have never lost a child to sickness, death or disease what they must be feeling. However, God is really not about feelings and is totally about relationship. He teaches us about relationship as He develops our faith in Him. Trusting in Jesus takes tremendous faith because our sinful nature cause us to doubt it all the time. When we have Jesus living in our hearts there is no room for fear, doubt, anger or any other thing as we learn to push through, using our faith as our search engine, to find the fruits of His Holy Spirit which are love, peace, joy, long suffering, patience, faithfulness, goodness, and gentleness in all things and through each experience. (Gal. 5:22) Faith comes from hearing, and hearing by the Word of God,and does not come by sight. So, what we might see in the natural, what we might go through in the flesh may not always look like what we would want for others or ourselves, but it is the trusting, the having faith in the journey and the ongoing process to improve that matters and not the end result. This is true relationship with our Lord. We can not confuse relationship with religion. Traditions of men are what make up religion and what made Jesus turned the tables over in the temple. He desires relationship and it only takes faith like a mustard seed for us to have relationship with God. Then it is up to us to water that seed by His Word through faith in Jesus. Nothing else matters in life except developing our relationship with Him, and when we do, He says, ” “Seek first the Kingdom of God, and His righteousness, and all these things will be added unto you, knock and the door shall be opened unto you, seek and ye shall find”. Hallelujah! They walked through this valley not alone and what you witnessed was His love through them. This experience is something we alll can draw tremendous faith from for this journey we call life. God can and will turn all things for good for His glory and purpose. Look how it has already made you and the host of others that will read your blog turn to Him, think about Him, witness to Him and draw nearer to Him. That is a tremendous blessing. His ways are not our ways and when we try to humanize God we fall short in knowing, believing and trusting who He truly is and can be in our lives. Thanks for sharing your heart with us. What a life changing experience we all can draw from when our faith wavers in the slightest.
b†
PS….I did not choose that gravatar image for my picture…..interesting.