Confession

August 6, 2009 By 17 Comments

There is a gargantuan full moon hanging by a thread in the night sky.  I can see it out my kitchen window.  But I can’t really appreciate it, because all I can think is – it is midnight and I am still up.

I should be sleeping so I am rested for the morning when the small people inevitably wake me up – sometimes with a snuggle and sometimes with an elbow to the ribs.

But I don’t want to sleep.  I want to work. I want to write.  I want to finish proposals and posts, emails and comments. I want to edit video and upload. I want to prepare speeches and finish books.

And that is selfish.

Really selfish.  Because right now?  I have no desire to play Barbies, to read children’s books, to make beds, to play Bingo or to color.  And that is terrible, right?

My small people begin their true school journey in two weeks.  Delaney starts full-day kindergarten and Cooper will leave me for the very first time – heading to preschool three mornings a week. That means I have 14 days to soak them in – to absorb their giggles, their smells, their sweet ‘kishes and hugs’ and even their sassy ways.  As of August 20th, there is no turning back.  I will never get this time again: when they are three and five and still think I am worth all the love they can give.

And yet, I want to work. It makes me feel sick to my stomach to even write that sentence.  If there was a way to make those words teeny-tiny, like a whisper, I would. 

I should be wanting to nibble their little elbows, to tickle their toes, to dance aimlessly to the Jungle Book and sing The little Mermaid at the very tip-top of my lungs.

But I don’t. 

And that makes me feel guilty. As though there is some mothering test I am currently failing.

When I’m with them, when I’m not with them, I adore them.  They make me whole.

But there is this other piece of me. I have been starving for some adult fulfilment that only comes in the form of a business task accomplished, a consultation given, a proposal written, a speech delivered, a video edited, or a post breathed into life on the page.

And so, my internal battle wages.

And I know who will win.

Mommy always wins. And that is ok. Because I won’t get this time back.

Danielle, the worker-bee can wait. Danielle, the Mommy can’t.

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  • http://www.sierrafriend.com Sierra Friend

    Danielle…thank you for such a sharing these thoughts and this publishing this post.
    I don’t even have little ones and I struggle terribly w/ balancing “Sierra the Worker Bee” w/ the other roles in my life… and always feel like I “should” (HATE that word!) be better at managing how much stage-time time the worker-me gets (And, ALWAYS feel selfish when she wins! …but OH, how I love indulging her, because, she’s all mine.)

    I adore you, and am incredibly inspired by both the Danielle, the worker-bee AND Danielle, the mommy. Glad you’re a part of my life.

    xo
    Sierra :)

  • http://www.lizzyarmentrout.com Lizzy Armentrout

    And all moms know this “mom guilt” very well!! Yes, this time is going to be gone quickly and one day you’ll be wishing they’d talk with you….but don’t feel too badly because all of us mothers have those exact same feelings. I even add more guilt because my hubby & I are infertile and adopted my daughter…so when she was the age of your daughters I really piled that guilt on! I’ve found that it’s good for children to actually have time to themselves for play…helps them when they get to school.

    Thanks for the great blog!

  • Danielle

    Sierra~

    You are such a blessing in my life – thank you for being so very special and so supportive! I am so grateful to have you as a friend.

    xoxo D

  • Danielle

    Lizzy – thank you so much for your wonderful comments. This post wasn’t hard to write – it WAS hard to publish. I sat with my finger over the ‘enter’ key for quite some time. I’m grateful for your understanding!

    Danielle

  • http://insomniacmummy.wordpress.com InsomniacMummy

    Your post almost brought me to tears. A very brave confession indeed.

    My son will be starting his pre-school here in the UK in November and I had been being all ostrich like and burying my head in the sand. I must make the effort to cherish this time.

    Thanks for such a great post.

  • http://Hoo-dee-Hoo.com meredith@Hoo-dee-Hoo.com

    HI Danielle,
    I go through the VERY same tug daily. It’s our needs and theirs always at each end of the rope just tugging away. It struck me a couple days ago as I was asking my husband to take the kids away for the weekend so that I could get a book proposal done. He very kindly reminded me that in three short weeks I would have many hours in which to write, and comment, and post, and did we really want to give up a summer weekend together?
    I am thankful for his voice of reason.

    That doesn’t mean that every day I am not pulled away from Connect Four back to the computer, and feeling guilty every time I hit refresh. And I’m not sure this conflict is gonna be resolved once they are back to school. I feel your mommy-guilt pain:)

  • http://www.beyondjustmom.com Pam at beyondjustmom

    Oh yes, I am with you. My kids are getting very used to the phrase, “I have to do some work now. . . ” and they don’t like it much.

    But there’s another side–as long as you are doing some of that playing and singing and snuggling — and I’m quite sure you are — it doesn’t hurt for them to have down times without constant entertainment from an adult. It might actually be good for them. So enjoy some of your professional side without guilt and tell yourself you’re teaching them some life skills.

    You are an Extraordinary Mommy — I’m sure your kids will be just fine!

  • http://www.happyhousewifelivinglife.com Myra

    Thank you so much for this post. I’ve been thinking about similar things. I know I won’t ever have these moments again with my almost 7 month old. I want to have no regrets, but there is SUCH a desire in my heart for the adult interation that I find in bloggyland. I guess I need to set more boundaries for myself. Like you said, work can wait, mommyhood can’t! Thank you for your transparency. It inspires me!

  • http://www.everydaybabysteps.com Mary@Everyday Baby Steps

    Oh, honey, I can definitely relate. That balance is so hard, but it’s also very needed. We have to allow ourselves to fulfill our independent, grown-up needs in order to be whole and to be in the moment with our kids when we are with them. I always remind myself that if I were at my old job outside the home that I wouldn’t be with them. I’m actually with them much more now. Be easy on yourself and listen to your heart!

  • Sarah

    Hi Danielle –
    I admire your bravery and honesty. I think we all feel like this a lot and most are too afraid to admit it. . . myself included. I think it is important for us moms to show our children that work is important too. . . . starts building a foundation for them for later in life. Mommy guilt is something we all struggle with and I think as long as we are doing our best . . . which isn’t always perfect, we are doing well. Enjoy your last couple weeks before school starts – but allow yourself YOUR time too. :)

    Thanks for sharing your world through your blog – I love reading your posts and enjoy your show on MomTV too.
    -Sarah

    H_Sarah on twitter

  • http://sugarjones.tv Sugar Jones

    As women, we have to remember that we play many roles. We are nurturers to our families, but also to ourselves. It’s only an issue when the time we dedicate to one role invades or harms the valuable time we spend as another. It’s okay to want to work. It’s okay to want to nibble toes. And it’s okay to turn it all off at night and get some rest. If you don’t get any sleep, you’re not going to be any good to your kids or your dreams.

    You don’t have to whisper your confessions to us. We love you. You can yell. ;)

  • http://jenmen.com Jennifer

    Don’t beat yourself up, Danielle. What you’re feeling is totally normal. And doesn’t make you a bad mother at all.

    Have you read Ayelet Waldman’s “Bad Mother”? She makes a very convincing argument that this totally self-denying model of motherhood we’ve constructed — where prioritizing any of your own needs over those of your children is always wrong — is unhealthy, and unrealistic.

    You have two beautiful, happy children who you adore and who adore you. And who often have you to play Bingo, or sing Little Mermaid, or snuggle. That’s not even close to Bad Motherdom in my book. I think you’re doing just fine. ;-)

  • http://lifefrommylaptop.com Alyssa

    I totally feel the same way. Except I can’t bring myself to stay up that late, I just get up early and “confession” I do work with my kids around. I have to bills have to be paid, but at least they are in the same room with me and yes I take breaks and I fix breakfast and I make snacks and change diapers and let my daughter play “beauty shop” while I type. I think they get it. I think they know why mommy is here and I hope I am doing something right.

  • http://www.stretchingabuckblog.com Marcy

    Danielle – thank you SO much for sharing! I feel this guilt everyday but have never admitted it to anyone. I didn’t realize until reading your post and the comments that so many others feel the same way. Thanks for making me feel a little more “normal”…whatever that is! :-)

  • http://www.strongfathersmaine.org Brian

    It’s not selfish, it’s human. And it’s not just a mommy thing. I fall into it too, when I’m so tired I start to fall asleep as I read Go Dog Go one more time, or turn on the TV so my wife and I can have an actual conversation, or leave the house to teach a fathering class as my girls say they wish I didn’t have to go.

    But there are things we get from our work that we can’t get from our kids, and that is good and healthy. I’m just gettingto know you through twitter and your blog, and what you have created is amazing. There is no shame in being juiced up by the work that excites you and that you do so well.

    Except that there is shame, isn’t there. Created by expectations and definitions put in our heads during a time that has long past, a time that no longer fits the reality of our lives. I guess that is the price we pay for living in a time when we are actually allowed to try and have it all.

    One final thought, as I re-read the piece, your final statement jumped out at me:
    “Danielle, the worker-bee can wait. Danielle, the Mommy can’t.”
    And it made me think that we – you, me, and probably a lot of your readers – live a life that allows the parent side of us to win (if not every time at least frequently). There are far too many of our friends, and neighbors for whom that is not an option. Which makes me feel sad, a little guilty, and very lucky.

    @STRONGFathersME

  • Mary

    My friend, your post says two wonderful things: you are human, and you have chosen a job that excites you. Perfect!!

  • http://www.5minutesformom.com Janice (5 Minutes for Mom)

    Oh yes girl – I can relate! but I am sure you guessed that! :) HUGS