I’m Not Sorry: Unapologetically Strong

September 12, 2012 by 28 Comments

When I was pregnant with my second child, my sweet small dude, Cooper…. I made a promise to myself… not to my husband, not to my best friend, not to my daughter and not to you, or you, or you… but to me… I was really going to make a physical effort to take care of my body, to control my eating and to be strong.

With my first pregnancy, I had been under the mistaken impression that a magical door had opened, allowing me to explore new foods to excess, to give in the the physical exhaustion that accompanied those nine months to the point of sitting still more than I moved and assuming that the baby weight would ‘fall right off’ when my daughter arrived.  It didn’t happen.

The changes I witnessed in my body prompted me to decide things would be different next time.  Enter Cooper.  I ate well.  I exercised.  I gained half the weight in my second pregnancy that I did in my first.  But let me be clear, this was not a gift: this was the result of conscious effort.  I worked hard. I felt healthy. I was protecting my baby.  I was taking care of my body.

But more often than not, someone would say, ‘Must be nice to be so tiny.”, “I can’t believe you are even 7 months.” , “Are you sure you are eating enough to take care of that baby?”, “Oh my gosh, I looked like you when I was 3 months!”, “You must just have good genes”.

And I would find myself apologizing.

“I’m sorry…. I just wanted it to be different this time.”

“I’m sorry…. I’ve just been….  I just was…. I just did…  ”

I was actually apologizing for doing something right and good for me, for my baby.

This was a pattern for me. This apologizing wasn’t reserved for this instance.

Unfortunately, it would take nearly six years for me to recognize that I had a habit of diminishing my personal and professional power each and every day with two little words:

I’m Sorry.

A few months after Cooper was born, I had plans to go out with a few girlfriends.  I couldn’t escape a nagging feeling that something was very wrong. But you simply can’t cancel on friends because you ‘have a feeling’, right? I chose to be the designated driver instead, and spent the night on hyper-alert…certain that something was amiss. I apologized constantly for my edginess.  I dropped off my last girlfriend…sitting in her driveway for upwards of 5 minutes, contemplating my route home.  Calming my nerves, I started the car and began to drive.

I noticed everything.  The speed limit.  The street signs.  The movie theater times.

I even saw her coming.  I just couldn’t get out of her way.

I was awake as I spun through the intersection.  As I rolled down the embankment.  As I hung from my seat belt waiting for the Fire Department to get me out of the car.

I walked away.  Apologizing for being out late.  For nearly leaving my children motherless.  For ignoring ‘that feeling’.

But I resolved I would never again do work that didn’t make me better and stronger and didn’t give me the opportunity to teach my children to be better and stronger.

This was the beginning of the journey to where I am now.

It was while I was on book tour last Fall for Mom, Incorporated, talking to rooms full of women that I had two epiphanies:

Women, like me, say I’m sorry ALL. THE. TIME.

I’m so sorry I missed your call….

I’m sorry I can’t join you for lunch…

I’m sorry, I didn’t have time…

I’m sorry…. I wish I could have been there…

I’m sorry I’m just now getting back to you….

I’m sorry I can only talk for a few minutes…

I’m sorry, we’ve decided that is a family night…

I’m sorry I’m late….

Oh….I’m sorry, were you reaching for that?

I’m so sorry I was in the wrong place at the wrong time….

Start counting.  Today.  I’d venture you will catch yourself saying I’m sorry 10, 15, 20+ times every day.  For little things.  For silly things.  For things that don’t require an apology.

And every time you do it, you rip a small piece of your personal power away.
For heaven’s sake…. I realized that my own voicemail said, “Hi, it’s Danielle, I’m sorry I can’t take your call right now….”

At that moment, I made a decision.  I’m NOT SORRY.

I’m NOT sorry I wasn’t sitting in front of my phone waiting for your call.

I’m NOT sorry I prioritized spending time with my family instead of answering certain emails.

I’m NOT sorry I decided that project wasn’t right for me.

I’m NOT sorry I didn’t return your email within 45 minutes.

I’m NOT sorry I juggle my family life and my work life – I think it makes me stronger.

I’m NOT sorry for the way I choose to parent my children.

I’m NOT sorry I was home with my children for the first few years of their lives.

I’m NOT sorry I work from home.

I’m NOT sorry I travel for work.

And I’m definitely NOT sorry for any success I’m achieving by working hard and making sacrifices.

Make a few small changes in the way you respond to people as you begin your journey of being Unapologetically Strong:

Smile when you respond.

If you don’t want to volunteer at your child’s school for the Fall Festival, don’t say – “Oh, I’m so sorry I can’t do that….”, smile and respond, “Thank you for asking, I’m going to enjoy the event with my children and volunteer in the classroom in the Spring instead.”

Change your words, change your tone:

If an email has escaped notice for a week: Instead of…. “I’m so sorry I’m just now getting back to you….” type, “Thank you so much for your email… I’m excited about the opportunity for us to work together/connect/talk about this project….”  The entire tone of your note changes.

I’ve stopped apologizing for who I am, for the work I do, for the time I choose to spend on my work or with my family, for the way I love and parent my children, or for the positive outlook I have on life.  I’m not sorry for the way my worldview is evolving as I get older.  I’m not sorry that I am getting older or that I have to work harder to take care of myself.  And I’m also not sorry that I sometimes give myself a break.

As I have removed the apologies I DON’T mean from my vocabulary, the ones I need to own have become that much more valuable.  I am constantly asking myself, “Am I TRULY sorry?”.  If the answer is, ‘yes’, I can look someone in the eye and embrace those words and what they mean.  That is important.

I’m grateful that I am surrounded by people who understand the ‘Unapologetically Strong’ in me.  And I’m proud to be joining the Degree Women campaign encouraging other women to celebrate ‘Unapologetically Strong’ as well.  You may or may not know that I used to be a TV reporter, so I can easily admit to being a huge fan of Sports Broadcaster Erin Andrews who has teamed up with Degree Women to head up the campaign.  You can see her story below.

Starting now, fans can share their very own Unapologetically Strong stories and goals online. What are you doing to go above and beyond, to push your limits, to make an amazing change for the better in your life?  It could be a physical or personal, emotional goal… but there is an amazing contest attached!  When you share your personal challenge – one that you would like help completing, you will be entered for a change to win giveaways from  Degree Women® to help  you on your Unapologetically Strong journey. And get this….ONE  winner will also have the opportunity to win the grand prize of $5,000 to spend on coaching and equipment to achieve their goal.

Entering is easy…. head to the Degree Women®Facebook page and make sure to follow them on Twitter as well.

As part of working on this campaign, I tried “Degree Women® Clinical Protection with motionSENSE™  for the very first time.  Heaven.  In my….ummm….how shall I put it…. advancing age, I had definitely been looking for something that would work ‘harder’ with me as I worked harder to take care of myself.  This more than qualifies.  I’m a happy (and fresh) girl. I suppose the technology that provides ‘three times the protection versus a basic antiperspirant’ is just what this unapologetically strong girl needs.

This is a sponsored post from One2One Nework and Degree Women®. I received product and incentives. As always, all opinions stated are my own.

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  • http://twitter.com/Justanothermom Tracey Becker

    This was LOVELY and awesome and I promise to watch my “sorry’s” more closely. I do apologize more than I’d like, but I don’t take on more than I feel equipped to handle. So I feel I’m on the right path. And you look FABULOUS. Good Job on the hard work!

  • smfdel

    Incredible! I think every woman and girl should read this story. It is so truthful. I learned the same thing but am not as articulate as you are. We have to learn to say no instead of yes to everything. Perfectly stated by you and a wonderful journey to you and your family.

  • http://www.fromtracie.com From Tracie

    I say I’m sorry far to often, for things I have no reason to be sorry about.
    I love your idea to live Unapologetically Strong. I’m going to work on not apologizing for things that need no aplogy.

  • Kim – Mommycosm

    This campaign is such a great fit for you! I love the term “Unapologetically Strong” and have been working on removing unnecessary apologies from my life after hearing you talk about it a while back. I cringe when I hear it come out of my mouth now.

  • Danielle Smith

    You are delightful, Tracey. Thank you so much for this. I’m happy to say I’m better for having eliminated the ancillary apologies. Now, when I say it, I truly mean it. Love that you are on the right path!

  • Danielle Smith

    I’m so grateful for your kind works – thank you. Even better? You are already doing it! It took me so long to realize. Now…. admittedly, I still catch myself, and worse, I hear my children doing it – but we’re a work in progress. :)

  • Danielle Smith

    It is amazing how many times a day we say those two little words when they have no place. Just for fun, count. When you become aware of them, you’ll be able to replace them with positivity…. Like you, the phrase ‘Unapologetically Strong’ makes me smile – good luck!

  • Danielle Smith

    Thank you, my friend. I cringe when I do it too. You are one of the strongest, most beautiful women I know! I’m so delighted to be getting to know you better all the time. You make me better.

  • Melissa

    And this….Danielliott, is why I LOVE YOU! You are a brilliant beautiful strong woman who is admired by many! Sending you love from down south!

  • niri

    This is the you I love, the you that helps me grow into a better person. It is also why I hope to have you as part of my life for a long time. Perspective: it changes everything!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=147800339 Jaima Schutt

    LOVELOVELOVE this post!!! Amazing! I am NOT sorry!

  • Danielle Smith

    Oh my friend – it is such a treasure to have you in my life. There are so few people who I have known and loved more than half of my life… you are one of them. THANK YOU.

  • Danielle Smith

    I am lucky to have you as a friend. Each and every time we talk, see each other or even email, I am better for it. Thank you. Thank you for always supporting me and keeping me sane! :)

  • Danielle Smith

    Jaima – thank you so very much for this – truly. Love that you aren’t sorry :)

  • http://twitter.com/CarrieLindsey Carrie Lindsey

    As someone who apologized to my midwife for “being such a wimp” as she was sewing my crotch up after I had just delivered my baby naturally…I totally get this. I always look back on that and think, “WHY DID I APOLOGIZE?!?!” Ha! So, thanks for this reminder…I am going to make an effort, today, to *not* say I’m sorry.

  • Danielle Smith

    Carrie, I GET you. I wish I had a list of all of the ridiculous things we have apologized for…. We APOLOGIZE every day in moments like you just described. I have apologized for banging my own head on a shelf, for reaching for an item at the grocery store at the same time as someone else, and for a million other things…. Good luck staying strong! :)

  • Hallie Thompson

    I can so relate to this! -Avoid overusing ‘I’m sorry’- but also stop apologizing for our successes or for striving to be our best- I love that! I wonder why we (women) tend to feel guilty for being strong?

  • http://selfishmom.com/ Amy

    I used to be the absolute worst about this. A neigbor once told me I suffered from sorryitis. I’ve gotten better, but still slip into it way too easily.

  • E.S. Ivy

    Good points!

  • debbielq

    THANK YOU! I am so guilty of this. Great post!

  • http://www.5minutesformom.com/ Susan (5 Minutes For Mom)

    I love your post so much. I say “Sorry” more than any human on the planet. Literally. And it must stop.

  • Danielle Smith

    Hallie – you are so very right! I don’t know why we are always apologizing for our success – probably a good time for us to take a stand and STOP :)

  • Danielle Smith

    Amy – it is so easy to slip in to it, isn’t it? I know that even when I am constantly reminding myself, I will STILL have moments. It is good to have the reminder. I know, I too, suffered from ‘sorryitis’ :)

  • Danielle Smith

    Thank you so very much.

  • Danielle Smith

    Grateful, Debbie. Truly. Good for all of us to start paying attention…. say sorry when you mean it and don’t apologize when you should be standing up for yourself :)

  • Danielle Smith

    Oh Susan – I’ve been right there with you. So, so many times. And you are right – it must stop for both of us! xoxo

  • Elizabeth

    I really needed to read this post today. I say “sorry” way too often & I need to be more aware of if I truly am sorry before allowing those words to come out of my mouth. Thank you for being honest & sharing this.

  • Danielle Smith

    Elizabeth – thank you so much for your comment. I know we all say sorry far too often. I’ve spoken to so many women who say it without even thinking about it. Just for fun – count how many times you say it in a day, and then start to cut back. Come up with new ways to phrase your words – in emails, on calls and in in conversations. You will cut back a little at a time – especially now that you are thinking about it. I have faith :)