A Daughter, A Son, and we’re all set.
So, this past week, I visited my local Urological office for a consult on getting a Vasectomy. This is where this latest Daddy Diary turns into a Seinfeld moment. Oh, you’ve had these too. We all have had our own Seinfeld moments, where a “should be normal” task or event turns into a 30 minute made for TV comedy. Set the DVR.
Scene 1 – Jeff (writer will draft in 3rd person at times, then switch to 1st person for funny moments when necessary) enters Urology Office at 9am. Jeff finds out from receptionist that Ann Bessinger will be conducting consult.
Jeff: “Is Ann a (gulp) woman?
Receptionist: “Um, yes, Mr. Smith, is there a problem with that?”
Oh, come on! A Woman is going to do this?! This is not good. I don’t know how to write this except to say that every man reading this does not want a woman to be doing a consult on his, ahem, you know, man parts. Sweat starts to bead on my forehead, stomach starts to churn, knees begin to tremble, and I respond with…
Jeff: “No!”
Receptionist: “No, you don’t want to see her?”
Jeff: “Yes!”
Recptionist: “Yes, you have a problem.”
Jeff: “No, I don’t have a problem. Yes, I want to see her. Well, I don’t want to see her. I just, well you know. I’m married.”
Recptionist: “Okay (shaking her head), so you want to see her, but you want her to know you’re married?”
Jeff: “No, I’m fine. I’m ready. Do not tell her that I’m nervous.”
Receptionist escorts (not escorts, but ushers) Jeff to his room; the consult room which is not really his room. Okay, anyway, he’s in a room.
Scene 2 – She walks in. Jeff takes a deep breath and wishes this was over.
Nurse: “Have you ever done this before?”
Jeff: “People come back twice? I thought this was a one-and-done. I have to do this again? Oh, wonderful.
Nurse: “No, I mean, have you ever had a consult about getting a Vasectomy before? Have you ever discussed this before?”
Jeff: “No. First time. I’m a Vasectomy Virgin. Hahaha…get it? Sorry, I’m nervous.”
Nurse: “Don’t be nervous. 95% of this is all me asking questions and letting you know what to expect.”
Jeff: “And the other 5%?”
Nurse: “Well, I have to check you out”
Jeff (thinking to himself): Good God, please let this end quickly.
Nurse: “On the day of the procedure, you’ll need to bring a scrotum protector.”
Jeff: “What?”
Nurse: “A scrotum protector”
Jeff: “A jockstrap?”
Nurse: “Well kind of, just not with the cup. Come to think of it, you have a 4year old son. You may want to wear the cup as well.”
Jeff: “You’re not joking, are you?”
Nurse: “Nope.”
Jeff: “So, how long do I wear the jockstrap?”
Nurse: “A few days.”
Jeff: “Have you ever worn a jockstrap? They’re not that comfortable.”
Nurse: “Mr. Smith, you’re getting a Vasectomy. This is not going to be comfortable.”
Jeff: “How soon after the procedure can I drink alcohol? I’m just kidding. Fine, I’ll bring a, what did you call it? A scrotum protector? This is incredible.”
Nurse: “Which doctor would you like to use?”
Jeff: “Whichever one does this with the least amount of pain to me. Oh, and is a man. No offense.”
Nurse: “None taken. Well, we have 2 docs that do it with IV anesthetic and 2 that do not.”
Jeff: “Holy Crap! Sorry! Okay, you mean to tell me there are doctors that don’t use anesthetic on a patient that is getting his penis cut into?”
Nurse: “Mr. Smith, first, we’re not cutting the penis. Second, some patients just don’t want the side effects of anesthesia.”
Jeff: “Yah, they’d rather feel someone sawing on them. Sounds like a blast. Let’s go with the male doctor that is going to put me under.”
Nurse: “He’s not going to put you under. He’s just going to give you something to take the edge off. You don’t need to go all the way under.”
Jeff: “I do. I’m a wimp.”
Nurse: “So, anyway. We’ll put with you Dr Shnip.”
Jeff: “Seriously, his name is Shnip?”
Nurse: “Now, what’s the problem?”
Jeff: “Think about that for a moment. No other patient has questioned a Surgical Urologist with the name Shnip?”
Nurse (growing agitated now): “No, no one has, and I don’t understand why you would.”
Jeff: “Forget it. What’s next?”
Nurse: “The non verbal part of the consult. Pull your pants down.”
I stand up, but this is also interesting. She didn’t say to pull my pants and boxers/briefs down. She just said to pull my pants down, and I don’t want to over commit. So, I stand up, back to the wall. She’s in a rolling chair staring straight ahead, and I pull my pants down. Insert awkward silence.
Nurse: “Mr. Smith, you have to pull your boxers down too.”
Jeff: “You didn’t say that.”
Nurse: “Please, pull your pants down.”
Temperature is much cooler in the room now.
Nurse: “So, what I’m feeling for now … is….”
Jeff: “Just an FYI, I really don’t need the play by play. Just do what you need to do, and I’ll pull my pants…and…boxers back up.”
Nurse: “Well, I just want you to know that I’m searching for a spaghetti type string inside your scrotum.”
Jeff: “Psst. I’d like to refer you back to my prior statement. No audio needed.”
I’ll never eat spaghetti again now. I really liked spaghetti.
Nurse: “Okay, all done. Pull up your pants…and…boxers. So, when would you like to do the procedure?”
Jeff: “Never.”
Nurse: “Mr. Smith?”
Jeff: “I mean, Thanksgiving week looks good for me.”
Nurse: “It’s July. That’s 4 months away.”
Jeff: “Yep, I’ll be thankful that it’s over. There are discounts on Scrotum Protectors on Black Friday. I’ll watch a lot of football, and get 4 days of pity from my wife and kids. Done. I’ll take the Tuesday or Wednesday before Thanksgiving please.”
Nurse: “Um, okay, we don’t usually book that far out, but okay.”
Jeff: “Thank you much. See you in about 4 months. Enjoy your summer.”
To be continued …
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