The Irony of Going Pink this October
My grandmother had breast cancer before I was born. She is still alive today - about to tackle her 97th birthday.
I didn’t hold her hand when she was diagnosed. I didn’t remind her she was beautiful when she lost her hair, or her breast. I wasn’t there to talk to her about surviving.
What I do know is she lived through a mastectomy and treatment. And she was embarrassed about her scars.
That is as close as I have ever been to a personal experience with breast cancer.
She did it all without me. No question, she is a survivor.
So, when my sweet, wonderful friend Rachel of A Southern Fairy Tale asked me to write a guest post for her Blogging for Boobs Campaign (to raise money and awareness for Breast Cancer) this month, I didn’t hesitate. I am proud of my grandmother. I’m proud she survived and thrived. She has taught me a lot about strength and character.
So it was with nothing short of bitter irony that I confess my own experience. I was writing the post for Rachel one Thursday night. I paused in my writings to tuck my little guy into bed. He always asks me (or his Daddy) to ‘lay down for jus’ one minnit’. Who can say ‘no’ to that?
But as I folded myself into his twin bed, I bumped my chest (yes - even the smallest chested woman can get in their own way sometimes) and it HURT. Not a little, but a lot.
I touched my hand to the pain. A small lump nearly bit my fingers. I snatched my hand away as though I had been burned, but instantly went back again - my fingers probing to the left, to the right. Was I sure I felt something? Yes. Maybe it wouldn’t be there if I let go and tried again. Wrong. My right hand went back to my left breast again and again. It never changed.
I furrowed my brow, thought, “didn’t I hear something about ‘if it hurts, it is just a cyst’ so no big deal?” I was sure I had but figured the Internet would be a good source.
So I went to Google and typed:
Does Breast Cancer Hurt?
The very first response said something like, “I had heard that painful lumps in the breast were always non-cancerous, so I ignored it. But I wish I hadn’t. I had cancer and who knows if things would have been different if I had gone to the Doctor right away.”
I try not to be dramatic about stuff like this, but figured that was simply a sign to get it checked out.
I went to the Doctor that week.
The appointment happened just like I imagined it would, at first. I brought my kids. (I had no choice) They were crazy. My Doctor was fantastic and managed to conceal everything from their curious eyes.
She felt to the right. Nothing.
She felt to the left. She moved all over. And finally said, “now where are you feeling the lump?” And I instantly thought, “see, of course I imagined it - it is just like trying to get your car to make that noise in front of the mechanic.”
So, I said, “Right around here, I figured you wouldn’t be able to find it.”
And she said…..
“Well, I actually feel three.”
Well, now, I wasn’t expecting that.
She told me to schedule a mammogram (I’m set for this Wednesday - I hear it is A LOT of fun!) But she did also say she was sure I would be fine. The lumps are ’small and moveable’.
I trust her. But she did say to get tested. Soon.
I can’t figure out if I am worried or not. I keep telling myself not to because - how would that help?
But it is still a strange feeling. An unknown feeling.
And ironic.
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Oh wow…I just don’t know what else to say!
I’m glad you shared this. Sending prayers and hugs your way!!
Wow Danielle! We’ll be praying for you all this week! For peace and courage and more peace.
Thank you so much Malia - I’m sure it will be fine
Just something to think about!
I really appreciate that Carey - grateful!
I’ll be thinking of you on Wednesday. Be sure to get a complete definitive explanation of the lumps. Don’t let a doctor tell you, “I think they are just cysts.” Ask for an aspiration of the lumps and have the fluid analyzed. If the first doctor won’t do it, find another doctor. Don’t freak out, but be vigilant about your tests and ask lots of questions. Take care and I am praying for you.
Paula~ Thank you very much for the advice - no one had suggested that - I really do appreciate it.
wow! i could have written that post myself. The same exact thing happened to me yesterday. …. cuddling with kids before bed, got knocked in the boob, found a lump and now im totally freaked. I see my Gyno on wed.
Wow, Sarah~ Good luck at your doctor - I will be thinking of you - please keep me updated! Danielle
I’ll definitely be sending good thoughts your way!
I recently had my yearly physical and so got man-handled (or woman-handled, as it were. Ha). No lumps or bumps in me - but I think it’s almost an “advantage” of being smaller chested, sometimes - it’s easier to feel changes (before I had kids I had very “fibrous” breast tissue, I guess. After kids, I’m just flat chested. Yay kids!).
I am sitting at work reading this and am completely shocked. I will be thinking about you and the kiddos. Please keep us up to date. Think positive.
Forever,
Lolo
Hey Lolo~ Thank you so much - my fingers are crossed that it is nothing - but I should know more tomorrow. How in the world are you?? xoxo
Danielle and Sarah - I’ll be thinking about you and I, too, have personally experienced something similar and I had a “failed mammogram” and it’s the UNKNOWN that drove me and is likely driving you crazy until you see your doctor and can confirm. Likely any bumps you feel are benign. I had a biopsy (surprising to me at the time, my doctor was curious about my EXCESSIVE COFFEE DRINKING - not proven - some say raises breast cancer risk). I TOTALLY AGREE WITH LONESTARLIFER’s comments and even though (my experience) in the biopsy my cyst “collapsed” (good) I asked my doctor that the fluid be analyzed (otherwise they wouldn’t have). By seeing your doctor and obtaining more insight will ease your fears. If it’s more serious then you can start getting treatment right away. Thanks for sharing an event so personal to you; Sharing w/ other women helped me tremendously in what I learned.
I’m doing well. Going to SLU and majoring in Marketing. I will graduate December of 2010!
Oh my word, Danielle. I was planning to go get a mammogram this month too, but not for any reason other than my doctor said I’m old enough now for one (thanks, doc!). I’m just about scared silly to do it. I hope your news really is nothing concerning. I will pray as well.
Thanks for sharing.
Janet - thank you so very much - It does help to know other women are growing through something like this.
Oh My D. My darling girl.
My love, my prayers to you. I’ll be saying so many prayers and thinking so many thoughts of you.
My love. My love. My love to you.
XOXO
One of my friends from high school just had her breast removed after finding cancer. All over Facebook we were commenting–”Aren’t we too young for this?” It is definitely something to think about and DO something about.
I hope you hear good news.
You are fine! But I am praying for you to have peace and am so thankful that you are being proactive in getting it checked out. (((hugs)))!
Danielle, I read this so fast… all I could think of was no matter what… you have friends, support and those who know, like myself what going through breast cancer feels like and I know you are strong and as I lay down tonite to pray… I pray for you and this being… “nothing” as your Doctor believes… and as I believe….
Hugs and love to you as always!
Stephanie
4 years - breast cancer survivor and not looking back!!
Thank you friend - you are an inspiration. I think you know that.
Danielle,
Thanks for sharing your story. Was your test today or is it next Wednesday?
I’m thinking of you.
Emily
Emily - thank you so much! I went today - here is my video
http://www.extraordinarymommy.com/can-we-talk/today-i-had-a-mammogram/
Loved your video. Walked through that process myself 2 years ago. Scary but so grateful I went through it. Well done!