Thoughts on Twitter and Military_Mom
Edit, December 18th: Dear Anonymous Commenters: While I respect your ‘right’ to have your own opinions, and will happily approve comments that disagree with my thoughts/opinions on this subject, I do reserve the right to delete outright venom….especially those who choose to mask themselves in the cloak of anonymity. I will approve comments from people who are willing to make statements and stand by them. You can be as mad as you like….fortunately, I have only deleted a total of 3 comments - two of them from the same IP address, yet using different aliases (and calling me pathetic for deleting the hatred) I’m thinking ‘pathetic’ is a term that can be reserved for people crucifying a grieving mother. This space, this site, will continue to be one where Shellie Ross is both respected and can feel comfortable.
Original Post:
As a general rule, I stay well outside the bounds of controversy. I avoid tweeting about politics, religion and most online battles I see being waged.
This is not because I am void of opinions, but merely that I have chosen to maintain a decidedly neutral online presence - at least that has been my goal.
Today feels different.
Today, my soul was offended. Today, our community reeked, not only of sadness, but anger.
Today a Mother - dealing with the most unimaginable tragedy found herself on the receiving end of some pure nastiness.
Shellie Ross, @Military_Mom, lost her son yesterday. He drowned in their pool. She will never again hold his hand, stroke his hair, or stay up late protecting him from the monsters under the bed. She won’t get to send him off to Kindergarten or cling to the side of the car as he learns to drive.
And somehow, a few determined that it was ‘inappropriate’ for her to share her grief on Twitter. They have spent the day picking her apart - questioning the timeline, even the veracity of her loss - with some going so far as to blame her. My teeth are clenched so tightly as I type this I can picture my teeth splintering.
How DARE YOU add to her pain? How DARE YOU question HOW she grieves?
A mother who has lost a child is entitled to ask for medication, run around naked or quite simply, reach out to her network of support - even if they are online.
For so many of us, Twitter and other forms of social media are a veritable life line. We do tweet when we are happy, when we are furious and YES - when we are crushed by grief or frightened out of our minds. Why? Because we know there is someone listening. And because usually that someone cares. We have nurtured our online friends to that point that it no longer matters if we have hugged in person - because we are getting to know each other intimately, regardless of distance.
I tweeted when I was told my then 4 year old daughter might have Kawasaki’s Disease. I tweeted because I was scared and had been given very little information. I tweeted because I knew I could count on love and support. And I got it. Dozens of people took time from their days to research the disease for me and put my mind at ease. And hundreds of others prayed, offered assistance or cried along with me.
Twitter is a virtual phone tree. Especially when support is needed. Consider @anissamayhew’s stroke and subsequent love, prayers and much needed support. Consider the blanket of kindness that surrounded @mamaspohr when she lost her sweet Maddie - and the thousands of dollars raised in Maddie’s name for the March of Dimes. Consider the strangers who sacrificed their coffee money to provide breast milk for Baby Jaeli, therefore saving her life. But somehow, today was different.
These are all examples of pure goodness. Online goodness. And many of the people who reached out in these circumstances were strangers. At least they were at the beginning. So many of the same lovely supporters were out in droves today, but there was the added element of defensiveness. I am disturbed by this.
I understand the need to be skeptical. Really, I do. But, please, please do it quietly. Clearly you heard about Shellie’s loss via someone you were following. Ask them about it. Some of my followers reached out to me for information. Follow along. Or better yet, ignore it. And, most importantly, refrain from adding to someone’s already insurmountable pain and suffering.
I was disgusted to see that the people who did the bulk of the ’supposing’ and ‘investigating’ today were entirely unfamiliar with this community. (One brand new account - who was ‘investigating’ the situation mysteriously disappeared early in the day) They are either new to twitter or have yet to access and understand its potential.
Because I have met Shellie, because I have hugged her in real life, because I personally know people who talked to her after the fact or who sat by her side last night, I reached out and tweeted to the doubters. Though we aren’t best friends and I didn’t speak to her - I knew. So, I told them the truth.
In a tragic accident, Shellie did lose her son.
Surprise, they never responded to me. They simply continued to perpetuate the notion that Shellie’s twitter history was somehow suspect. And even once the ‘official’ story hit a news site - it wasn’t good enough since Bryson’s name wasn’t listed.
This tells me, though the claim was to save people from falling victim to a scam, the true motivation behind the negative and doubting tweets was simply to be a disturber.
And that, is Pure B.S.
My hope, my true prayer, is that there is a cocoon of love and support that manages to surround Shellie and insulate her from people who would rather throw stones than offer her a shoulder to cry on.
Shellie - you are in my thoughts and prayers. I am so truly sorry for your loss.
Friend - you grieve however you want. We will grieve with you.
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What a beautiful post..Like so many said before me, you got it exactly right. How dare anyone judge or speculate her story. Actually just started following her yesterday after I heard on Facebook about the tragedy. I followed her to express my sorrow, my prayers and virtual love. I am so happy that @military_mom has such a good friend like you and others to stand up for her when she is unable to and protect her from these mean-spirited and horrible people.
I didn’t know Shellie until I saw a tweet about her, but there is no way I would ever say anything so awful as these people did to a woman who had just lost her son. Even if you want proof, why on earth would you add to the suffering of a mother? I have two small boys and it scares the heck out of me to think of losing them . . . I don’t think I would ever use Twitter again if I posted something so horrid and then got such nasty responses back.
Thank you - that need to be said. I’ve had it with twitter.
very well said. i was so angry today I wanted to lash out. people just don’t get that this is a real community full of people who are friends and we tweet things to communicate w/each other….good or bad. i just don’t get how anyone could knowingly add to her grief today. i don’t understand.
You are very right to say that people react differently to greif. There are many people in my every day life who would not be able to understand what I’ve gone through my depression and I’ve reached out to my network of online friends who knew what I was going through, prayed for me and given me great advice.
People need to leave Shellie alone. Show their support and love and the others just need to go away!
So sad the events. I do not know Shellie nor all the details other than what has been shared and my thoughts are with her. However, we are in the unfortunate world of social media and with Twitter and a global public timeline, the tweets are a smorgasbord of ammunition for the barrage that was sent to @military_mom and those who support her. I agree no one can judge, but too we cannot judge those who are not familiar with the “community,” and while the comments were callous and they played into the speculation, by responding to them, people only fed their nasty fire. A beautiful post and a very sad day for a mother.
I am glad you posted this I didn’t know all that was going on I just saw one about avoiding someone and when I saw what they wrote (mean) I also posted to avoid them. I got sick to my stomache when I saw your post the other night about what happened but even sicker when I saw how people were hurting this family even more! There are so many more of us that support her and are here for her hopefully we can make thoes insenstive jerks go away!! There are somethings in this world you dont mess with and anything having to do with someones children is number one in my book!
My son died thirteen years ago from SIDS. I understand the need to reach out, even if one cannot understand, to keep oneself from sinking into the depths of the loss. It is a club no one wants to be apart of, losing a child, but it is also something that no one can understand fully unless you are a card-carrying member.
My heart goes out to your friend and I pray that those so quick to offer criticism never find themselves in her position.
Thank you for saying what needed to be said. No mother should have her heart torn out a second time, let alone the first. While the majority of twitter is filed with loving, supporting people, it never fails that evil finds it’s way in.
As military families, we are so isolated, we are so detached from our family support structure, that we grab what we can. and my blog/ning/FB/Twitter friends are within reach, are THERE when I need that shoulder, that hand. To slam someone at this time, is abhorrent.
LAW
This is exactly what needed to be said, and you said it perfectly. I agree with others, her heart has ripped to shreds once, don’t do it a second time, or a third time. Those posts are pure nonsense and insensitive rudeness.
My heart and prayers are with Shellie and her family and friends.
Well said!!! When I first saw the news on Twitter about her loss, I was heartbroken and ached for her pain. I have a 3 year old son and I cannot imagine the pain she is going through right now. Then I started seeing the doubters and skeptics and I was outraged. I’ve been in the Twitter community (and that is what it is) long enough to see the unity between online friends and have witnessed the love and support in many of the examples you mentioned. I don’t know Shellie but she has been in my thoughts and prayers since I saw it on Twitter just as Anissa Mayhew (who I also don’t know) is still in my prayers.
It makes me very very angry that some choose to be cruel instead of kind. There is nothing wrong with questioning the validity of a story - plenty questioned the validity of mine - but where is the compassion? I personally would rather look like a compassionate fool than a right jerk.
Twitter and the internet saved my life after my daughter died. People in mourning and intense grief do what they can to make it through every second of the day. No one can judge, not even me, and I have been there.
I’m not on Twitter, but heard from another blog I visited. I don’t think some people know how to give sympathy appropriately, and if they don’t they should just stay out of it.
Her whole family needs support. She was reaching out because her husband wasn’t there (he’s in the military) at that moment to grab hold of, and what did she get from some people- Questions, blame. That’s just not right. I always say this, “But for the Grace of God there go I.”
It means something bad could happen to you too, and when you hear about the tragedy of another you should be Thanking God for what you still have, and be reaching out to provide support for the person in their time of need, just as you would want if you had a time of need.
I’ve prayed for this family and will continue to do so. I will not question her or judge her as a mother, it’s not my place, and it’s not the place of others either.
I heard through the tragedy through a follow & immediately went to @Military_Mom’s profile where she reached out for prayers. Then, as i checked back, i saw she had replied to some nasty comments to her & i was also furious about that attack towards her integrity at the most vulnerable time in her life!!
Let us consider the sources which added to Shellie’s pain; as people perhaps in pain too and don’t know it.. only show it?
Alas.. there are far too many gr8 hearts which hold high standards of intimatcy and friendship online.. i am one of them.. so to Shellie and her children and family, friends; from this stranger to you in Canada.. i am with you in Spirit, compassionate-love; and may love wrap itself around your heart until it is ready to heal from this tragedy.
@ddsnorthNorth
It was sad to see and made me very angry. There’s been a lot of ugliness online lately and that was the proverbial straw for me.
My heart, thoughts and prayers goes out to Shellie - I have known her through twitter for appx. 18 mos. Just as twitter can spread hate virally, it can also spread love. I bet she was reaching out for our support and love.
I have written a post regarding some not-so-common pool safety tips that are really worth a read as I also have a back yard pool and am a NLS trained lifeguard that I would love for you to share with your readers so that hopefully we can prevent this tragedy from ever happening again within our tight blogging and twitter community. It can be found at http://www.momontherun.net.
Well said. I didn’t see the attacks those people made but I’m sure I woulda come out swinging at them, and I don’t even know Shellie. It doesn’t really matter though - she’s a mom who suffered a loss - a horrific loss. Our community will support her because it’s what we do - we are one. And, as one, we will grieve with her.
I am on twitter I tweet as ArmyMom101 and I am simply mortified by the cruelness shown to Military_Mom on twitter!
On twitter at 11:52 PM Oct 19th from TweetGrid I posted, “For the next 2 weeks I will not be on twitter ~ I will be visiting my deployed son while he is here on his leave ..OK??”
On twitter at 11:55 AM Oct 20th from web I posted, ‘My youngest was in a motorcycle accident and he’s in critical condition”
My youngest son Wendel age 28 yrs old died on Oct 23, as the result of Traumatic Brain Injury sustained in a motorcycle accident on his way home from work, he was not wearing his helmet.
I never said at any point my youngest son was in the military nor had I ever implied that he had been.
Yet many on twitter had assumed he had been”
Notes of condolences stated pouring many of which stated, ‘So sorry for your loss it is a tragedy when our country loses one of the finest…’
The out pouring kindness given to me and support was generous to say the least. My point is this, if we follow people on twitter or add them as Friends on Facebook, we are there to connect in some capacity, if at some point for whatever given reason or no reason at all, we have the ability to change we we follow likewise we also have to ability to block individuals we do no wish to follow us.
I am sure as a mother myself Shellie needs support not judgement. My heart aches with Shellie at the loss of a child!
from @ArmyMom101
This is the only post on the issue that I feel comfortable putting my name beside. I agree 100%- the last few days have been tragic in many ways.
Oh you have me covered in chills and in tears. You have described it so well. My soul, too, has been offended and shaken by what has transpired. If only this time of year- where is the compassion? I know by those who surround me that people have GOOD hearts. My heart aches to know @Military_Mom had to read what has been said, I wish and pray that she is able to erase those things from her mind and is allowed to grieve HOWEVER SHE WANTS AND NEEDS TO, and that she may only think of the good memories and loving moments and that she can feel our overwhelming support and hugs online and in real life.
Steph
I agree with you and I too was appalled at the treatment she received. I tweeted when my 2 year old was taken to the hospital by my husband after ingesting a poison (I had to stay home w/ our new baby) and I also tweeted when that same 2 year old choked on a quarter and I had to give him the Heimlich. It is a life line in a way and its nice to know that there is other moms dealing with similar issues. Parenting is tough and no matter how we might try or how we might watch our children like hawks sometimes they get hurt.
You could not have written this any better. Classy and beautiful. Such a sad, sad accident.
I dont understand all the nastiness. My heart is broken for this family. My oldest a twin whom we lost his sister. I thank you for posting what needed to be said.
Dude. I took a twitter break the past week… was srsly time to spend some family ‘face’ time and I’ve missed the whole thing… I’m horrified for Shellie about her child..
And it’s such a great point about how we choose to grieve… so many of ‘us’ have begun to basically create a public life… via twitter/blogging/facebook….
And I can tell you when I have happy thoughts I share them, when I have sad thoughts I share those too…. would I be online if I had THAT kind of a loss…. SRSLY hard to tell..
Because the thing is, I honestly don’t know what that kind of loss feels like? My grandma died, can I compare that loss… hell no.
You know what I think is interesting here? Compared to the other women’s losses you mentioned in the post, those women likely emailed/called whatever friends and family and those friends helped take their tragedy public, whereas it appears ( i have yet to see a tweet about any of it) that Shellie merely was the one who was public herself about her loss.
In a big way I don’t see the difference? Calling a friend, or answering the phone, or sending a tweet and then replying when your friends respond… ??
Every therapist will tell you, TALKING is the best way to help yourself through a tragedy, I can testify that my twitter existence is filled with friends who I choose to share my life with??
Never hugged her, never met her, never saw her face. Thinking of her every minute of the since her tragedy. We here at Hollywood Farm are continuously praying for Military Mommy! Very sad!
I’m not a mommy or part of the mommy community but I wanted to express my sympathy for @Military_Mom. It was an accident! No one has the right to judge her in her time of grief.
I hope that in a time of personal tragedy, I would be able to contact my loved ones by any means I see fit without the the internet coming down on me.
Very well said. My thoughts and prayers are with Shellie and her family during this difficult time. May God bless and comfort them during this difficult time.
I tend to be allergic to the “drama” that can surround Twitter and the mommy blogosphere but this event has completely crossed the line of moral and human decency! I don’t know Shellie other than on Twitter and I still cried for her loss. I would never want to even have to imagine the pain and sheer emotional exhaustion she is suffering due to this loss and for people, who have NO idea of what they are talking about, to feel like they have the right to insert themselves into a very private tragedy is sickening. Thank you for not staying quiet about this…it is absolutely wrong!
Shellie, you are in my thoughts and prayers!
While I didn’t know Shellie prior to her horrible loss, my heart breaks for her. And I was angered by the hatred and poison a select choose to dump on her, during this already painful time in her life.
It amazed me at the people who had no idea what Twitter even was or had less than 10 friends and 100 tweets seem to think that they knew best when it comes to communicating with others, finding friends and feeling comfort. When I hear someone say “Twitter is not the place for this”, I wonder who they are to judge what is right and wrong for another person.
I didn’t post about this initially. I was too furious. But, after the ABC Story came out, I did post and I was angry. I started to take it down but when I re-read what I had wrote, I knew it had to be said, it had to come out. I was mad, and just as Shellie reached out to us, all of us, I felt much better having the words out there.
I was once an online agitator. I started writing in 1999 and it was an every day affair for some sort of chaos. I”m not sure exactly when I grew out of it. My husband swears he can tell what kind of writing I am doing by the sound of my fingers hitting the laptop/keyboard keys. He says when I’m angry (like when I wrote that post) or just emotional (like now), there is a distinctive difference in my strokes. He helped me break the chain of chaos. And now, like you, I decided that in most cases of politics, religion, often times even parenting, I just keep my opinion neutral, putting out information and asking others what they thought.
Sometimes you learn more from listening than from talking AND there are some I think need to just be quiet and listen for a change…they might actually learn something.
The people that started this whole issue are media hogs who wanted to get attention. I refused to post their names, their twitter ID”s, etc. but with all the attention the media gave them, I’m sure they’re happy with what they’ve done.
Where is the decency in all of this? Even after it was proven that Twitter had nothing to do with Shellie’s son’s death, they continued their barrage of garbage. I remember a father who lost his son who was on Twitter constantly to grieve, to share photos, but mostly to get support. No one made an issue out of that.
For some of us, Twitter is our community where we share personal and intimate details of our lives. I’m glad to have it and have relied on it and my friends for many issues I’ve been through. There’s nothing wrong with that.
Thats the kind of people that make me sick to the stomach. I did more reserach about her and she was not tweeting while her son fell into the pool and tragically drowned. Why blame her? Kids drown everyday and nobody attacks them by calling them sick or awful. Shame on them and I hope that karma takes its toll.
My sentiments exactly.
I can’t say how I’d respond if I was in her sittuation. Just imagine, sitting there watching the EMT’s try to revive your child. Do you call and friend and ask her to start a prayer chain? No, there isnt’ time for that. But 10 second on Twitter with the potential to reach tens of thousands in the same amount of time? Why not?
Shellie has been in my mind and on my heart since the tragic accident. He little boy looked so much like mine. Let me tell you, the hugs have been more frequent as of late!!
I want you to know how much this post means to me. I havent been strong enough to read anything negative that the people have put online about Shellie and what happened to her son. Only a few days ago was I able to look and I am so glad that there are people supporting her through this time in her life. This post was extremely well written and I want you to know that being personally affected by this event, this post has really helped me. Thank you so much, Shellie and her grieving family are lucky to know someone like you.