The Pain of Parenting Begins

April 21, 2010 By 19 Comments

A green smiley face.

img_1084

That is what marks my sweet girl’s behavior daily at kindergarten.  There is a calendar – and every day I know – green smiley face = good Delaney.  If she misbehaved a little, I’d see that warning ‘yellow’ and well, you can see where this is going, red = notsogoodatall.

One time.  That is how many times she has come home with a yellow this school year.

Until last Thursday.  But we didn’t know until Monday.

Why?  Because she was taking the calendar out of her folder and hiding it.

As for me, well, I forgot to ask.  Because she always came home with a green.

My husband figured it out.  As soon as he asked, the tears started.  The hyperventilating began.

She couldn’t speak.  She couldn’t stop crying.  We promised we wouldn’t be mad – we just needed to know what happened.

My heart fractured a little more with each tear, with each labored breathe – what in the world could have happened to cause this type of trauma?

I actually started to get scared.

Little by little, the story came out in spurts.

She had kicked a little boy.

He hadn’t done anything wrong.

She had been told to do it.

By an ‘older’ girl she adores.

Hence the devastation.  Even at ‘almost-six-going-on-sixteen’, she feels betrayed and embarrassed.

And I feel like the air has left the room.  I wasn’t ready for this.  I’m not ready for this.  I’m hugging her tightly, as if I can block the pain of growing up and realizing you can’t trust everybody with my embrace.  I quickly wipe the tear that seeps from the corner of right eye. It wouldn’t help her tears if she saw mine.

I think….I hope….we covered everything.

No, she can’t kick someone.  It is ok to make a mistake.  Trust your own little heart – even if someone tells you to do something – you do know right from wrong.  We aren’t mad at you.  You can ALWAYS talk to us. We WANT you to talk to us.  We trust you.  We love you. (Did I miss anything?)

My heart hurts as I write – just knowing we are the very beginning of the long and treacherous road of ‘growing up’.  I hope I am equipped.

If you have suggestions, well, honestly, I’d love them.

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Filed Under: A little bit of Everyday, Breaking my heart, Recent Posts Tagged With: , , , , ,
  • http://www.loulousviews.com Loukia

    OH man. Parenting is hard, isn’t it? It does not get easier as they grow. It’s just, the things we worry about, the things that are hard, change. And situations like this make parenting extra hard. I think you handled it well; you said everything you should have said. She knows what she did was wrong, and that you’re always there for her, no matter what. I hate the pressure other children put on children in school. Growing up IS hard… good luck… we’re all in this together, don’t forget! :)

  • http://www.tothinkistocreate.com To Think Is To Create

    Oh friend. I think you covered it well. The only thing I might have also said, is that you know she did it because she was afraid to lose her friend. But that real friends don’t ask you to do mean things, or things that are cruel. The best kind of friends love you and want you to be happy, and it’s ok to wait for those kinds of friends. They are out there, waiting.

    My 5 yo would listen to that, but he’s a lotus blossom like me and thinks like me. ;)

  • Jason

    I think you have it down. It’s a fine line between trying to listen, learn, and understand and making your child feel like you are “grilling” them. Starting early like this is key, of course. If you consistently show your child you have her (or his) best interests at heart and that you are always available to talk, it will be easier when it’s more important.

  • http://thesnyder5.com Molly

    Great job. You handled it so well (in my non-expert opinion). The other thing we always tell our kids is that I would far prefer to hear about something from them than from anyone else.

    While I might be disappointed, or maybe even a bit angry, if they tell me first, it’s a starting point. If they don’t and I hear it elsewhere before I hear it from them…well now we have two issues. So far, that has been working really well.

  • Justine

    Oh bless! Sounds like you said all the right things (also no expert, clearly- I’m still single!!) and it sounds like she does already have a good idea in her own ‘little heart’ what is right and what is wrong.

  • http://www.Quiet-Mom.com Quiet-Mom

    Well done! Sigh … just reading your sweetie’s story brought me back to my little girl days and that horrible “peer pressure” thing. Getting hives just thinking about it. Poor little loves. I do know it’s part of growing up and although my girls didn’t have it as much being homeschooled, I think it’s something we all deal with – and for a long time.

    And for the record, I think it’d be a good thing for her to see your tears – tears of compassion, sympathy and sorrow over something that can now be turned into a positive growing experience.

    So glad I stopped by today! :)

  • Danielle

    Lou – oh yes – it is so hard – and seems to be getting harder. Thanks for reminding me that I’m not alone :)

  • Danielle

    Ari – THANK YOU for your kind words and friendship – you are so very right – that is an important lesson…..she will find them (she has some now) – she is just so impressionable. *sigh* xoxo

  • http://www.marketingmommy.com/ Jennifer F Williams

    My little one is 2.5 and I will honestly say I’m not looking forward to moments like that. I think you handled yourself wonderfully (better than I think I would have). I agree with To Think is to Create that real friends don’t ask you to do stuff like that.

    The poor little sweetie knew it was wrong and that must be reassuring to you that she was so upset at the whole situation. Having a conscious is a good thing.

    I really enjoy your writing. Thank you for sharing, I hope to learn a bit from your stories to be better prepared when I’m up to bat.

  • Danielle

    Jason – thank you for the vote of confidence – I love hearing men’s opinions…. so I am especially grateful. I was trying so hard to listen and NOT grill. I am hopeful we succeeded.

  • Lisa aka pbajmom

    I think you handled it beautifully. {hugs}

    I’m big on making amends.

    When my kids (step-triplets & 10 yr old daughter) have made a mistake, as we all do from time-to-time, we write an apology letter to the person we wronged/hurt. It teaches accountability. To look the other person in the eye, and see their pain, helps to teach them empathy. So, from start to finish: we make a mistake, we own up to it, we reflect on it and write an apology note (or mom or dad can write it for them if they’re young), we give the other person the apology letter/seek forgiveness, and we move on.

    Good luck1

  • Danielle

    Molly – that’s how we have been handling things – really pushing the ‘honesty is the best policy’ portion – I don’t want them to be afraid to tell us the truth. Such a tough road…..thanks for making me feel better!

  • Sarah Montague

    Great job, Mom. Well I can relate to this in that your child was egged on by a “bully.” This happened to my son as well and he is only 4 in in a Pre-K program in a very well known daycare. To make matters worse, I know the CEO of this very large daycare. And the CEO is the grandmother of the bully. This happened about 6 months ago. My son is almost 5. Will go to Kindergarten in Fall. My first reaction, was outrage. How can this be happening now? Isn’t this supposed to happen later in his life? Then I thought “Well, I know the grandmother, I am calling her.” But when I calmed down, reason prevailed. We just talked to my son about the experience. We talked about how to stand up for yourself. We talked about when to know that something doesn’t feel right and get adults involved. And we talked about honesty too.
    @sarahmontague

  • http://dadlogic.net Dan

    It sounds like you handled this the right way and showed your daughter that being honest isn’t always easy, but it is the right thing to do. I still remember that fateful day in kindergarten when I received my first yellow sticker. For a child that is used to being a high performer (which your daughter’s “green” track record seems to suggest) there can be a ton of shame and embarrassment wrapped up in that one demerit. I suspect that she hid the calendar because she didn’t know how to tell you about the issue and was embarrassed that she let you down.

    I think the other thing to consider here is the importance of talking through the incident so she can learn from it. Did she apologize to the boy she kicked? Is this older girl a bad influence on her and maybe she needs to make new friends? As you noted, this is one of many steps in the process of growing up. This won’t be the last time that you sit down with her and talk through what could have been done differently.

    Good luck with it. Sounds like you are doing everything right.

  • http://ournextchapters.com Heather Kemper

    Oh my goodness… I completely feel for you. I was just finishing up a post about my little one growing up. I think you handled that very well. Kudos Danielle! :)

  • Danielle

    Dan – thank you so very much for your comment. I don’t know why, but I was holding my breath as I read…..I think you are right on. She was embarrassed. She was worried we would be disappointed in her. And yes, she did apologize to him – (he apparently grunted a response :) And we did talk about the older girl…. Right now she is so entranced by the older girls. They stop on their way in to lunch just to hug her – they play with her on the playground. They treat her like a little sister and she loves it. Except when things like this happen. Thanks again!

  • http://www.thego2girlz.com Tracy

    This is so beautifully written that my heart is aching even before my first cup of coffee! :)
    You handled it perfectly!

  • http://www.mompreneurbusinesscoach.com Christine Walker

    Danielle,
    Thanks so much for your blog/vlog. Your story about your daughter brought tears to my eyes, as my daughter is just younger than yours and I know those days are coming up for us. It sounds like you handled it beautifully as a mom, but when we see our kids in pain, it is so hard! Good to know I am not alone, thanks again.
    Christine :-)

  • http://stopitoff.blogspot.com Kelly

    I’m a bit late to this party, but wanted to comment!

    I think you handled it wonderfully. Our kids will make many mistakes (as we all do) on their journey in life. Advocating right from wrong, honesty from dishonesty will go a long way in building a strong and caring character. Plus, after reading your blog/vlog (I just stumbled upon it and LOVE it!), you are settting a wonderful example for your children.

    Wait until they’re older and dealing with their first heartbreak. The feeling of helplessness is overwhelming, when all you want to do is take their hurt away and bear it for them. Because, after all, we’re tougher than they are, right?

    Glad I found you!

    Our hope for their happiness in life never goes away, no matter how old they are.