Are You a Good Parent?
I yelled at my kids today. Loud. Like gave-myself-a-headache-loud.
The small people often respond with ‘what???’ when I call their names. It is like nails on a chalkboard.
And they don’t always say ‘please’ or ‘thank you’. They ‘forget’ to clean their room, make their bed, pick their clothes up off the floor, let the dog out or eat their breakfasts.
I’ve let them eat McDonald’s. Twice in one week.
I’ve made pancakes for dinner and let them skip the fruit and vegetables.
I often think they are spoiled. Life is so easy for them - their rooms are too big, they have too many toys and they have someone who picks up after them ALL.THE.TIME. (me)
They say “I caaaaaannnnn’tttt” all the time, have actually rolled their eyes at me and have been known to throw a world-class tantrum complete with stomping up the stairs and screams of, “I KNEW you didn’t love me”.
But I do. And their Daddy does.
And they know it. And I know they know it.
Yesterday, my husband looked at me and said, “well….they are happy. I guess that means we are doing something right”.
I think he is on to something.
I spend a lot of time worrying about being a good parent, a fair parent, a guiding parent. But the loving parent? There is something to be said for being THAT parent.
Kids sense when they are loved. It is because I love my children that I sometimes yell, that I stand over them to ‘remind’ them to clean their room, pick up their clothes and let the dog out. It is because I love them that I try to teach please, thank you, and ‘yes, Mommy’ instead of ‘whaaaat?’. Love is what motivates the ’stern’ parent in me - the one who enforces bed times, separates fights and holds them responsible for poor decisions - like coloring on the wall. It is love that drives the need to teach lessons, give hugs and yes, even the desire to see the smile that comes with the occasional skipped vegetable or trip to McDonald’s.
It is the comfort of knowing they are loved that puts the sparkle in their eyes.
And even when I’m not feeling like a ‘good parent’, it is knowing that they know they are loved that makes being a Mommy simply extraordinary.
What reminds YOU that you are a good parent?
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Wow, that was well said. What a great way to look at it. I think you are right that what motivates the stern parent in me is my love for them. As much as they would protest, I think children crave the stern parent, you know, the one who requires rules and obedience.
Kari - thank you so much for that!! I have to confess, parenting is hard
Much harder than I ever imagined!
I agree with Kari… very well said. I think that is the biggest anxiety of being a parent… being a GOOD parent. If you didn’t love them, you wouldn’t care what they were doing… you wouldn’t care to correct them. You want them to grow up with all the right tools… and in order to do that, you have to make some corrections in our small people… which unfortunately… now and then… leads to yelling.
It’s not an easy job… it’s the hardest job by my own scale… but oh so rewarding.
someone said to me while pregnant with my oldest, (I really wish i could remember who so I could thank them) that you will want to yell at times and maybe even spank but just remember that time will pass and yet your children will still need you to show them the way. Every time especially now that I have two that fight all the time I remember that. I yell and separate the kids even time outs but at the end of the night no matter what I make sure I tell them I love them and give them a hug and kiss even on those nights that they don’t want to hug me because they are mad. But when the lights go out I know and they know that no matter what we love each other. I usually get an “I’m sorry mommy” the next morning from my oldest. Just from following your blog and your twitter I have to say from this outsider you seem to be doing a wonderful job!
Ugh, I hate those days. But, as my therapist says - it’s the after that matters.
Danielle, you are amazing. This post is beautiful and so well said. We all go through this internal dialogue… “am I a good parent?” The reality is that our kids do know that we love them. They know when they are acting up or not being polite and when they get older, our voices and guidance will ring in their heads forevah- Bwahhahahahahahaaaa!
It’s when a neighbor, teacher, another parent or employer gives compliment of my kid in a way I was blind to.
“He showed great commitment to getting the work done while we were short-handed”
“She is so independent in her choice to join the USAF. She loves being a part of it.”
“He is willing to try anything mechanically or electronically regardless of his training. He just ‘doe it’!”
All I see is that they’re productive and not in Court lol!
Every time I look at my little boy and see how amazing he is reminds me that I am a good parent. There is no definition of what a good parent is. But when you are doing it right, you know it. The little wonderful people you kids are show you that you are doing a great job.
The way other people respond to my son reminds me that we’re doing something right. Parenting is definitely hard! Any job worth doing is worth doing well and sometimes that means tough love, even a little yelling now and then.
Heather - I think that is the biggest challenge - giving them the right tools - and feeling strong while doing it. I confess, I second guess a whole lot, but am always comforted to know other moms feel the same way.
Christine - you are so truly kind - thank you for that. I agree - making sure they know they are loved - regardless of what has happened during the day is so very important!!
Britt - I adore you - thank you!! I do know that my small people feel my love, but it doesn’t always stop me from feeling guilty. (but I do get a perverse amount of joy thinking they will hear my voice in their heads into adulthood)
I love this post. It’s so hard to remember to try to find that balance every day. The one where you don’t yell too much but don’t give in too much. It’s not easy.
When the boys make me a picture and proclaim it’s for “the best Mommy ever” or hug me at the end of a day with an “I love you,” I figure they remember the good more than the bad, and that makes me happy
Becca - such a perfect way of thinking about it - ‘if they remember the good more than the bad’…..I completely agree!